


Snaccc Time with Smeagol

by UnstableUniverses



Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Abduction, Crack, F/M, Humor, Parody, Toronto Slang, Vore?, eating people, iPhones
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-08
Updated: 2018-02-08
Packaged: 2019-03-15 07:43:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13608750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnstableUniverses/pseuds/UnstableUniverses
Summary: Frodo and Samwise traverse through the Old Forest on their way to destroy the ring when a young girl blocks their path asking for help. But helping her may lead them to the most dangerous being they have ever encountered.Written for the Unstable Universes podcast.





	Snaccc Time with Smeagol

“Hey, sexy boys!”

 Samwise and Frodo jumped at the feminine voice echoing through the woods. Their backs pressed together as they slowly rotated, their eyes scanning the shadows quickly.

 “Over here,” called the voice again and a young woman emerged from the shadows in front of them. She had brown hair and wore jeans, a sweater and a smile. Obviously, no bra.

 The two hobbits relaxed seeing the mysterious voice was simply a young girl and not some kind of horrible monster.

 “How can we help you, young lass?” Asked the more handsome of the hobbits.

 "Could you please help me? I’ve had the hiccups for a horribly long time and I have no idea how to get rid of them,” the brunette responded.

She could immediately tell that the hobbits were beginning to feel uncomfortable. She was asking for too much, maybe she had given herself away by mentioning her hiccups. Quickly the girl backtracked.

“I mean even just look at them. I’m really desperate. We could go back to my cabin and have a snack. I have some lovely brie and potatoes that I can toss in a stew,” her eyes were huge and blown out, like she had just smoked a pound of the dankest kush. But Frodo and Samwise were already sucked in by the mention of food.

 “Yeah bruh lets go,” Samwise said pushing towards the path the girl had come from.

The girl whose name they learned was Alanna led them through the forest towards a quaint cabin. It was made out of dark wood and stained glass with a tall smoking chimney, Alanna thought it was beautiful.

 “Come on in Boys,” Alanna gestured them inside.

 “Ay fam this shit is lit!” Samwise exclaimed running towards the buffet when suddenly he was hit from the side by a chair. It knocked him off balance and he stumbled a couple steps before falling onto the blazing embers of the fireplace.

 Frodo ran inside to help his friend but stopped when he heard the slamming of the front door and a lock sliding into place. Alanna had locked them in! But he could see her smug face peeking in from the window, she was watching, that sick bitch.

 Ignoring her Frodo ran towards his fuck boi friend. Grabbing Samwise’s arm he pulled the burning man to his feet.

 “That was totally not squirt worthy,” Samwise said.

 “What about me?” came a creaky high-pitched voice from the corner of the room.

 Gollum was illuminated from below by an iPhone flashlight app. He sat on a rocking chair slowly moving back and for like he was at sea.

 “Bruh, you’re the least squirt worthy thing I’ve seen in all my life, run up freak!” Laughed Samwise, Frodo tried to hold in his laugh but snorted in failure.

Gollum’s smile turned into a frown as the light on the iPhone flashed from white to red.

“How dare you insult Gollum’s face!” he screamed.

“Fam out here tryna get merked,” smirked Samwise, he pulled his fists up to fight. Frodo walked to the window and gestured for Alanna to open it. She complied allowing the respectable young man to enter the safety of outside.

However, Samwise noticed this. “Are you forreal man? Come reach!”

Frodo shook his head and Samwise kissed his teeth.

What nobody except Alanna notices was that Gollum was beginning to distend his jaw, stretching it further and further wide until it was large enough to scoop Samwise right into it.

He ran forward pinning Samwise next to the wall before swallowing him in one bite.

“NO,” Frodo screamed like a little bitch, he tossed open the window and ran inside. But his confidence quickly dissolved as the hinge-jawed Gollum turned around. Gollum’s bare feet slapped against the hardwood floor making lewd sounds as he cornered Frodo.

 Frodo backed up until he felt something press against the backs of his legs. The rocking chair!

Making a quick turn Frodo grabbed the smooth wood and yanked up harshly releasing at the climax. The chair arced and smashed right into Gollum’s jaw knocking it clean off. The frail being cried out in pain and black tar-like sludge poured from his open wound.

 Alanna seized the moment and crawled back through the window, she picked up the disgusting boy and tossed him into the fire place. Wiping the gunk off of her hands and onto her hands she turned and faced the young handsome hobbit.

 A flash of white light and a loud ping broke the tension.

 Frodo walked over to Gollum’s iPhone and checked the notification.

 “It says here that your curse has been broken,” he read aloud to Alanna. She ran over and pulled him into a warm hug.

 “Thank you for saving me,” Alanna said breathily, her tit’s looked great like they always do, “he’s been keeping me hostage, making me bring him any hobbits that I find wandering through the woods.”

 “Well I’m glad he did because if he hadn’t I never would have gotten the chance to meet a creature as beautiful as you,” smiled Frodo raising his head to give Alanna a sloppy kiss.

 

They banged happily ever after. 

 

 


End file.
